NEW ORLEANS
12.03.07
NEW ORLEANS
Scarcely had I recovered from my trip to New York and Minneapolis (and from counting my winnings from the Hustlers,) than I recieved a call from Matti Leshem, co-commissioner of the USARPS League:
"Master Rosh, the sport needs you."
"Matti, the sport always needs me. How much am I getting paid for this?"
"Master Rosh, the sport needs you to attend the 2007 Anheuser Busch annual convention in New Orleans."
"Sigh. When do I leave?"
First off, I must tip my hat to Anheuser Busch for holding their annual convention in New Orleans. The city is still recovering from Katrina, and federal, state and local governments, though well intentioned, seem to be encountering great difficulty in getting funds to those who need it most. Thus, the task falls to individuals and businesses. By holding the convention in New Orleans, AB provided abundant financial support in the form of money given directly to the city's hospitality industries, including those in the hotel, restaurant and service sectors. I can not give enough praise for this move.
I had occasion to discuss this matter with Brad Pitt, a recent arrival to New Orleans, whom I met at a high stakes private RPS room at the Harrah Casino. "I vote with my feet," said Brad. "Angelina and I hope that our family's presence in this city will call attention to the fact that there is still much work to be done." I commend them for taking this stance (though I would point out to Brad that his double-rock opening/paper exclusive strategy, though effective against a beginner, is all but useless against a Master.)
Thus it was that I found myself in New Orleans, after the all too familiar last minute glitches with my travel plans. I was scheduled to fly into New Orleans on Saturday and leave on Wednesday. Why then did I only have hotel accommodations for three nights? To the hardliners on the RPS scene, this is a familiar state of affairs, almost as if some karmic agency is at work. Many believe that by encountering difficulties with travel from the outset, one shakes off any bad luck that may negatively affect the outcome of a tournament. Clayton "custardchuk" Dwyer, the greatest Australian player of all time, counts it as a singular stroke of ill fortune if he arrives in the same city as his luggage. Bill Helfer, the evil RPS mastermind who once tried to have me killed, was infamous for taking flights with upwards of four connections, in order to save ten bucks and avoid bad juju. Happily, my friends at Anheuser Busch were able to secure me a hotel room, thus saving me from the ignominy of sleeping behind a trash can for the remaining two nights.
On my first night in New Orleans, I was overjoyed to meet with my friend Melanie, whom I have known for almost 15 years. Melanie is amazing; one of the girliest girls I have ever known, her lipstick always matches her nails. Yet and still, she has a history with boxing and muay Thai kickboxing, and is currently a crocodile wrestler. By this, I mean she works as a keeper for large reptiles at the New Orleans zoo, and is one of two individuals in the world responsible for keeping the "stud book" of genetic information for the endangered Chinese crocodile, of which only 100 are left in the wild. One of the great joys of RPS is travel, especially when one can visit such great friends as Melanie and the Minneapolis Hustlers. After an evening visiting piano bars and chowing down on catfish po'boys, I was ready for the convention.
How can I explain the vastness of vision and execution that was the 2007 Anheuser Busch annual convention? Wholesalers and distributors from across the country descended on the convention center in order to discuss the successes of the previous year, and focus on making next year better. For my part, I worked the Bud Light booth at the expo. For the first two days of the convention, we held qualifying rounds for a 32 player invitational tournament. The player pool was comprised entirely of Bud Light wholesalers. It was fantastic to spend time discussing the USARPS Bud Light promotion with those who execute it. Many of them said it was the best promotion with which they have ever been involved. On my end, I appreciated seeing the tournament directors actually compete. It seems I spend too much of my time these days with dilletante commissioners and directors who organize tournaments but have no actual tournament experience as players; Matti Leshem and Andrew Golder come to mind, along with a couple of others I could name.
The tournament, and the Bud Light expo booth, were run ably by Dan "Slow Roll" Sprague of the Groove Agency. Dan experienced great success with his initial tournament outing, and deserves much praise for running a top notch booth for Bud Light and the USARPS League. Dan earned his moniker "Slow Roll" for his unfortunate tendency to slow roll scissors against a throw of paper, thus turning a losing throw of rock into a winning one. Where I came up, you'd get yourself shot or stabbed (or worse) for doing something like that. Still, the quote of week belongs to Slow Roll, who was overhead exclaiming, "Master Rosh, you CAN NOT keep playing money matches against the wholesalers!" Of course, I'm kidding. RPS players never, ever, under any circumstances finance their travels by hustling rubes in money matches.
When the dust cleared, the winner of the tournament was Tracy "The King" Korte from Eagle Distributing of Texarkana. The King took on all comers, including finalist "Stout" Keith Stoutner, using the familiar "tie-tie-win" pattern so much in vogue on today's tournament scene. The King had clearly trained for this event, and was cheered on from above by his coworkers and employer, who threatened him with loss of livelihood should he fail in his task.
Perhaps my greatest joy of the event was teaching RPS to players who had never before played. As hard as it is to believe, there are people out there who have no knowledge of even the basics of RPS, much less taken the first steps towards Mastery. It was a joy to repeat to them the time honored words "Rock beats scissors; scissors beat paper; paper beats rock." I was deeply moved to share the sport I love with these new acolytes, unhindered by the need to "empty their cup" of bad RPS habits (see above: "Slow Roll.")
Yet for all the good encountered during this trip, I know far too well the antipode of evil. Few are aware of the psychic and emotional peril encountered by those who live, breath, sleep and bleed RPS. None understand this so much as the Masters of the Game. For every bright angel of RPS, descending with joy and exuberation, there stands an equal and opposing devil with his hand outstretched, waiting to be paid. The late James Brown, Soul Brother Number One, once said "You’ve got to pay the cost to be the boss." To be the Master, you pay it faster.
My sense of spiritual darkness has never been more bleak, or more desolate.
