More Madness

by Steve Hofstetter
from Sports Illustrated.com

Enough of the last second would-be-game-winning missed free-throws. Enough of the buzzer-beating 3-pointers. Enough of the seemingly impossible go-ahead 10-0 runs. I want to see a 60-year-old man and 22-year-old woman take each other on in a game that requires as much skill as Justin Cage at the foul line. In other words, when the chips are down, it's about 50-50.

Thank you, ESPN, for providing me with such an opportunity.

If you haven't heard that ESPN will be airing this year's USA Rock Paper Scissors League championship, I don't know what rock you live under. If you do live under a rock, don't get a morning paper delivered because that apparently beats rock, and then you'll be left with nothing.

No one seems to know for sure when Rock, Paper, Scissors was first invented, but it's history as an organized sport goes all the way back to 2002, a year when nothing else must have been happening.

An American has never won the gold medal at the World Championship -- the first four champions were Canadian and last year's was British. Probably because the World Championship is held in Toronto, and most participants can't afford the plane fare. I'm hoping someone from Buffalo makes the drive. Then again, when has anyone from Buffalo won anything?

So in steps the USA Rock Paper Scissors League -- a league where we know an American will win. On May 12 and May 13, Las Vegas' Mandalay Bay Casino will host the tournament, which will be awarding a $50,000 cash prize. ESPN said that they bought the rights because it made more sense to air it as the sport "matured." Yes, because if there's one word I think of when I think of Rock, Paper, Scissors, it's "mature."

There's also an annual tournament in New York unaffiliated with the USARPSL where teams pay $75 to enter and can walk away with a whopping $150. I've never heard of a tournament that lets you double your money. Mainly because that's ridiculous.

But the championships are MUCH less of a joke. Every participant must have both a working hand AND be present at the time of the tournament. And because the tournament is being held in Las Vegas, entrants must be 21 and up. Like the NFL before it, the USARPSL is excluding some of its greatest athletes. Such as 8-year-old girls, and Maurice Clarrett.

I can't think of any sport I'd rather watch on May 12 and 13. Sure, baseball will have started by then, the NBA and the NHL will be well into their postseason, and the Indy 500 will already be in the qualifying stages. But those aren't real sports. A real sport is one where even most of its competitors swear it's just dumb luck. Like Zach Damond, who finally lost in the third round of the Target Center's tournament earlier this month. Zach, by the way, is 12.

Some defenders of RPS point to the growing popularity of poker as a defense. If fat amateurs can become World Champion "athletes," why not Rock, Paper, Scissors? Appropriately, poker pro Phil Gordon staged "The World Series of Rock-Paper-Scissors" in 2004. Poker is a bit different from Rock, Paper, Scissors. In poker, there are a possible 2,598,960 unique combinations. In Rock, Paper, Scissors, there are nine. And three of them are ties.

Now that's drama -- a sport where there's a 33 percent chance it'll be a tie. Which means that, mathematically, one in every hundred matches tie at least four times in a row. That's like watching a batter foul off several pitches in a row before finally hitting a weak squib to the shortstop. Drama.

And though many players say it is just dumb luck, others assure that there's strategy to reading your opponent. A good player knows when paper is coming and will counter with scissors. A great player will counter with rock, only to rope-a-dope their opponent into a false sense of security. That's the stuff legends are made of.

Some might argue rock should really beat paper. Some might even argue that the game should actually be Rock, Water, Paper. Rock flies through paper, but water erodes rock, and paper absorbs water. But then what's the hand symbol for water, huh?

Two other variations that must have interesting hand symbols include Japan's Chief-Tiger-Mother, and Indonesia's Elephant-Human-Ant. But one thing every version has in common is that it can easily be won by an 8-year-old girl.

I can hardly wait until May -- I enjoy watching out of shape aging non-athletes compete for a cash prize. Hey, that's why I like the American League. I will tell you for certain that this columnist will be glued to his television that weekend. Watching Family Guy, but at least I'll have a chance of accidentally flipping past the tournament during a commercial.

So rock on, USARPSL. Rock on. Unless of course, the other guy has paper.

Steve Hofstetter is a nationally touring comedian whose column appears every Monday on SI.com. See him make fun of more stuff at minuteorso.com.