The Science of Rock Paper Scissors

In a series of double blind scientific studies that were conducted over 15 years at the Howard Jung Psychological Institute in Switzerland, doctors learned significant character traits about people as they assessed their game play. Here are some of their findings:

• If a woman throws three straight rocks with any kind of regularity - she's a gold-digger.
• If a man throws four straight papers - he is whipped by his high school sweetheart and just doesn't know how to get out of the relationship.
• If a man throws two papers followed by a rock - he has never kissed a girl, but has touched a breast on a dare.
• If a woman throws mostly paper - she's recently written in her journal about how she told her boyfriend she misses him and he answered "But I just saw you an hour ago" instead of "I miss you too" and how hurt she was by it, and how she will exact her revenge on the uncaring bastard.
• If a man mostly throws scissors, he also Googles his name every day hoping he finally commands a presence on the web, but always logs off weeping in shame.
• If a woman throws 4 papers in a row, she is a big-time feminist, except when the dinner bill comes.
• If a man throws paper when a game is on the line, he knows the difference between Viagra, Levitra and Cialis. . .   from experience.
• If a woman rarely throws rock, she takes more than two hours putting her make-up on in the morning, and still wears too much eye-liner.
• If a man rarely throws scissors, he's followed Phish on tour for at least 3 months straight at some point of his life.
• If a man throws more than four scissors in a row, he is addicted to playing Bejeweled 2 on his cell phone in hopes of beating his own high score again.
• If a woman rarely throws paper, she has at least experimented with another girl, and most likely has made out with her closest girlfriend, though she doesn't consider herself bi.
• If a man throws paper when a game is on the line, he clicks on spam e-mails for penis enlargements, and has made four purchases so far.
• If a woman throws only scissors and paper, well, stay far away. . she's a total bitch.
• If a man alternates between rock and paper, he often goes to the movies alone, but puts a jacket on the seat next to him and orders two bags of popcorns and two sodas in case someone is looking.
• If a woman throws three rocks in a row, she's a cock-tease.
• If a woman throws 4 straight rocks and then a scissors, she's spent time worrying that her dad will see the two spring break videos where she's flashed her rocks for a baby-tee and some validation from the cameraman.
• If a man opens with 2 papers and a rock, he swears he voted for Ruben but he's totally a diehard Claymate.
• If a woman throws 2 rocks and then 2 scissors, she's a member of the Mile High Club, though it was only because of heavy turbulence.
• If a man's first 2 throws are paper, he frequently puts on his wife's high heels, looks in the mirror and hums "I'm Every Woman."
• If a woman's first 3 throws are scissors, she likes the WNBA and the Indigo Girls. And that's all we're saying.
• If a man alternates throwing rock and scissors, he's hoping to find romance on an internet dating site, but the picture of him flexing his triceps in a wife-beater standing next to his '92 Mustang just isn't doing the trick.

Rock Paper Scissors is a sport of immense strategy. The champions of Rock Paper Scissors are only champions because they have trained and studied the rich art and subtle strategies of the game. True champions have a deep understanding of human behavior and the way of the mind. True champions are intellectually adept at math, psychology, sociology and of course, philosophy from the Ancient Greeks to Wittgenstein. While it's true that anyone can play Rock Paper Scissors, only a select few can master it. Some people assume Rock Paper Scissors is a simple game of chance. Those people aren't champions.

Psychological Warfare

"Speed-pumping" is when you increase the velocity of your pumping to put your opponent in a momentary panic attack. Your opponent's focus will shift from their upcoming throw to keeping up with your fast-paced pumping. All their strategy will go out the window, and they'll often settle with rock because rock is already formed, taking no extra brainpower to throw. But beware, this tactic is ultimately illegal and if a ref sees any kind of pattern with speed-pumping, you shall suffer the consequences.

A "faux pump" is a shady maneuver used to rattle your opponent. By intentionally throwing on the second pump instead of the third, you can frustrate your opponent and throw them off their game. Be warned, this maneuver is highly illegal and the referee may decide to award your opponent with a point for your mis-pump.

Hand Positioning

There are many ways to hold your hands during your pump and shoot.
Some players prefer to position their off-hand horizontally and pound their throwing hand into it with each pumping thrust. This technique is called "Cradling the Pump."
When throwing paper, it is customary to throw it with your hand palm down, but it is also legal to position your hand palm up. This unorthodox move is seen as cocky and can be perceived as unsportsmanlike, but it can be a great intimidation play. This move is called "The Subpoena," since you are serving paper. Winning a match with a "Subpoena" is the most humiliating form of a knockout punch to your opponent, and feels very satisfying. Some players cap off this type of victory with the hackneyed phrase "you got served."

Scissors can be thrown horizontally or vertically, but an effective way to punctuate a winning scissors is called the "P.O.B." which stands for "Peace Out Bitch." When you knock out an opponent with scissors, it is acceptable, though arrogant, to rotate your wrist upwards 90 degrees. You will notice your hand has formed the "peace" sign, and your opponent will certainly be distressed. Adding the phrase "POB" will be the icing on your victorious and delicious cake.

Ninety percent of all Rock Paper Scissors players throw with their right hands. Thus, lefties, or southfists, can be very intimidating and difficult to adjust to. Even right-handed players should practice throwing leftie. A well-timed left-handed throw will throw off your opponent and pave your way to victory. This technique is called "Left for Dead."

Tells

The term "tells" is commonly heard in the poker world, but it applies to Rock Paper Scissors just the same. Humans unconsciously give off signals that, if studied and understood carefully, can predict what they will throw. These tells can come in the form of hand positioning, posture, eye contact and nervous energy. For instance, when a player opens their hand prior to a pump, they are unconsciously preparing to throw paper. When a player clenches their fist, they are unconsciously preparing to throw rock. Also, if your opponent has splints on their middle and index fingers, they will not throw rock. So pay attention to everything.
The eyes are the window of the soul and they tell a great story as well. If your opponent is staring you down, piercing you with his eyes, he will most likely throw the rock, the most aggressive throw. If your opponent averts his eyes, his passiveness usually corresponds to a throw of paper. These tells are often subtle to read but can produce amazing results.

Fake Tells

Fake tells will only work on superior players, because amateurs will be too ignorant to pick up on them. If your opponent is a strong player who looks for tells, it is wise to intentionally exhibit one and then make a different throw. For instance, before your throw, make a subtle gesture to open your hand as if you are giving the classic paper tell. If your opponent notices that tell, you can burn them with a rock to crush their scissors. Genius!

Patterns

Most players unconsciously throw in distinct patterns that can be figured out by a discerning mind. For instance, some players will always throw a paper after a rock. Some players will rarely make the same throw twice in a row, and some will always re-throw. Picking up on these patterns will make for unparalleled results. Each throw an opponent makes is information that must be stored in your mind for future bouts. Once enough information is gathered, a strong player can get inside their opponent's head and simply own them. Some patterns to look for include:

• How often does your opponent repeat throws?
• Has your opponent ever made the same throw three or four times in a row? Does your opponent favor a certain throw?
• Does your opponent exclude a certain throw?
• Does your opponent make an effort to mix up his/her throws?
• What throws does your opponent favor when ahead? Behind? Confident? Nervous?

If you notice your opponent favors certain throws, it can become useful to utilize the "lock out method" and simply cease to ever make a certain throw. For instance, if your opponent frequently throws rock, it is a good strategy to exclude scissors from your repertoire. Your rock-loving opponent will probably continue to throw rock, and actually throw it even more when he notices you are "due" to throw scissors. Your success against this type of opponent will increase exponentially.

RPS and Kabbalah

Mysticism has been a part of Rock Paper Scissors since its earliest days. And recently, the wisdom of the ancient Jewish mysticism Kabbalah has not only become popular in the world of celebrities, it has become a well-chronicled aspect of RPS. Kabbalah in RPS consists of meditative, mystical and magical practices intended to purify the mind into divinely channeling the perfect throw on every pump. Studying Kabbalah reveals all the spiritual and physical laws that govern a Rock Paper Scissors match. Celebrities such as Madonna, Ashton Kutcher, Mick Jagger, Britney Spears and Demi Moore are using Kaballah in RPS, and even wear red strings around their throwing wrists to display their devotion to the mystical ways of the hand sport. Just imagine the daunting task of squaring off against a player whose red string stares you back in the face, taunting you as if it's saying "I'm divine. I'm magic. Only God, and I, know what you are going to throw. We have the light!" Many Kabbalists study in hopes of becoming a prophet of God, able to foresee the future throws of all their Rock Paper Scissors foes. With this spiritual power in their hands, Kabbalists band together at meetings in Hollywood to study the Zohar in hopes of using their spiritual wisdom to one day threaten Satan's power and end human suffering forever, but more importantly, to become a champion of the USARPS League