Abridged History of Rock Paper Scissors
The history of Rock Paper Scissors has been feverishly debated for centuries. The truth is that it all began over 6.3 million years ago in East Africa when prehistoric men first became bipedal. With their hands finally off the ground, the Australopithecus Afarensis devised the best way to utilize this new adaptation, and the world's oldest and most popular hand sport was born. Rock Rock Rock took awhile to catch on, as the matches either ended in a tie or death from exhaustion. But according to Charles Darwin, as mankind evolved, so did the tools needed to play a more thrilling hand game. Soon, "Rock Tablet Spear" was all the rage in the caves. Not just used for entertainment purposes, the game settled who had to forage for fruit, who got to sleep on the top branch and who got dibs on Lucy, the cave prostitute.
Recently, paleontologists discovered cave drawings in South America depicting the most vital aspects in pre-historic life: meat, fruit and Rock Tablet Spear. In fact, the first use of numbers in world history was devised to keep score and statistics. This mathematical development led not only to the first Rock Tablet Spear fantasy league, but the first concepts of time, distance and weight. The world was beginning to thrive, and it all stemmed from its most important game, RTS.
As evolution led to advanced technologies, the game took on many new identities. Rock Tablet Spear gave way to Rock Papyrus Knife, and then Rock Papyrus Scissors. Finally, in 105 AD, Chinese Emperor Ys'ai Lun sought a major change in the game, and paper was invented to add a new strategy to the sport which settled all disputes at the Imperial Court. Paper revolutionized China, but more importantly, it paved the way for the world's first game, more than six million years in the making, to be recognized as Rock Paper Scissors.
Fast forward 1600 years to the American Revolution, aptly named for the way it revolutionized the sport and provided it with a new moniker still used to this day – Rochambeau (RO-SHAM-BO). America has been the world capital of Rock Paper Scissors since the 18th century, when General Count de Rochambeau of France teamed up with George Washington to defeat the British at Yorktown. The Count was a skillful leader who understood the importance of Rock Paper Scissors in conflict resolution, and used that wisdom to become an American legend. He used RPS to train his troops in the arts of war – discipline, courage, intuition and hand-to-hand combat. In 1780, he was sent to aid Washington against the English. A year later, 17,000 of Rochambeau's troops surrounded Yorktown to witness the most important Rock Paper Scissors match in world history. British General Charles Cornwallis refused to surrender, and had only one way out – a best of 3 grudge-match with Washington. A desperate Cornwallis relied on rock and stunned the American troops by crushing Washington's repeated scissors. But just as Cornwallis' smack talk had begun, the Count de Rochambeau stood tall with his fist high in the air. Witnesses claim he shouted "Hey Corny, you want some of this? I challenge you to a best of five, winner take all. Loser must surrender, and buy the winner a six-pack. Let's throw down."
With the future of America at stake, Rochambeau opened with rock to foil Cornwallis' sneaky scissors. Then the Count used sheer brilliance with a sharp scissors to cut down the Brit's paper. The Count refused to knuckle under the pressure, and with a powerful rock, pummeled Cornwallis' scissors along with his hopes of winning the Revolutionary War. Cornwallis surrendered, and Rochambeau's name would be forever linked with Rock Paper Scissors and American History. Two years later, the Count delivered the knockout punch as he defeated the King of England with three straight papers, forcing him to sign a fourth paper, the Treaty of Paris. Led by adopted American hero Count de Rochambeau and his mastery of RPS, the war was over.
Rock Paper Scissors has continued to thrive as the world's most popular game, even topping soccer since 1747. But within the last decade, there has been a renaissance in America, the modern birthplace of RPS. It's been popularized in films for decades, including such classics as "Fist of Fury,""Cool Hand Luke," "The Paper Chase" and "The Rock." There was even a biopic about the world's most predictable player, Edward Scissorhands. In recent years, Rock Paper Scissors clubs and tournaments have sprouted across America. From Los Angeles to Washington DC, players are throwing down for fame and fortune.
Rock Paper Scissors also remains a pivotal tool in world history. In October 2005, the U.S. military launched Operation "Iron Fist" in Iraq, hoping to peacefully stop insurgents with bouts of RPS. The hand sport is destined to flourish even further, as talks to use RPS to decide presidential elections, Supreme Court cases and who will win American Idol guarantee Rock Paper Scissors will continue to be the focus of history books for at least another six million years.
The most important Rock Paper Scissors advancement is more significant than bipedalism, the invention of paper and American Idol combined. In January 2006, the inception of the United States of America Rock Paper Scissors League (USARPS League) marked a new era in the rich history of the sport. RPS has shaped the nation for centuries, but never had there been a sanctioned and competitive league. America and Rock Paper Scissors go hand in hand. And in the spirit of the NBA and NFL, the USARPS League will feature the highest level of RPS bouts.
American players embody the ideals of the sport - aggression, cunning and intensity. Finally, they have the stage to showcase their mad skills. Annual nationwide tournaments will honorably determine the best RPS player in the USA, and bring on a new breed of elite athletes to make all Americans proud and unify our polarized nation. The red, white and blue will be properly represented in international competition and inspire a new form of patriotism. The USARPS League is destined to bring on new strategies, training techniques and of course, great American heroes.
Rock. Paper. Scissors. Three symbols, a world of possibilities. Let the games begin.